I am beginning to think that the producers and writers of science fiction/horror films are members of the Ku Klux Klan. A few months ago I watched a terrible film on the Sci-Fi network. (When did that channel become so awful? I remember they had decent movies at some point in the past. Everything now looks like it was made for a high school project. The actors might have been in porn. And the special effects are slightly better than the graphics of Pac Man.) There were only four black people in the movie. Yes, I counted. This monster killed every African American within the first thirty minutes. I had no idea I had tuned in to the “Negro-Eating Monster of the Black Lagoon.”
Do radioactive monsters only crave black flesh? I swear I have seen 22,678 movies in which the white girl falls (She always falls. She also can never start the car.) and the killer/beast will step over the body of the girl to kill the black person. Why? We have a black president. Oprah has her OWN network. “Flava of Love” has been off the air for some years now. It’s time to do better.
I do concede that it would be difficult to produce a horror film that accurately portrays black folk. One issue is that the movie would be very brief. The moment after the ghost said, “Get out” or furniture moved on its own, black people would find a hotel and leave. The end credits would roll approximately five minutes after the opening credits. This could be problematic. White people in films allow for more heigthened drama. (I distinguish real white people from white people in movies. White people in movies lack all common sense.) They have a condition I have labeled as “Christopher Colombus Syndrome.” They feel compelled to explore and discover. When white people in films hear a strange noise, they say equally strange phrases like: “What’s that?” “I’m going upstairs.” “Let’s split up.”
I don’t mean to stir up any hostility. This has bothered me for a while. I was beginning to believe that some white people have a secret desire to see black people eaten by mutated beasts, and these movies are the only outlet. My friends have assured me this is not true. I have decided to channel my outrage into a helpful list. Follow it carefully.
Rules for a horror/sci-fi movie
1) Be white.
2) Don’t have sex. This is a very important rule. Having sex is almost as dangerous as being black.
3) Charge your cell phone.
4) Service your car.
5) Be somewhat of a jerk. If you’re too nice, you will die. If you really obnoxious, you will die. Just say a couple of mean things at the beginning of the movie and then become increasingly more likeable.
6) When someone tells you there is a monster/murderer, believe him. Non-believers WILL die.
7) If you knock on a door and no one answers, don’t go inside. It’s not your house, and an unlocked door does not mean welcome.
8) Be the most attractive person. If there is someone prettier than you, he or she needs to go.
9) The police will not show up until the threat is over.
10) Don’t be black. I’m serious.
11) There will be a sequel.
My lovable black friend (Ryan Blocker)